Title: Scratch that...
Target Audience: Public speakers
Offensive Threat: medium
Scheme: Have you ever been speaking to an audience and swear that there is a booger hanging out of your nose? Or spinach in your teeth? Or you have something on your cheek? All of these feelings are quite uncomfortable for the speaker, and therefore pretty annoying. What is more annoying is when you have people in the audience telling you that you have something hanging out of your nose/mouth/any other orifice when it is not true. Therefore, to pull this shenanigan, you need to be listening to a someone speaking. As they are speaking, constantly try and grab their attention and make reference to the imaginary spinach, dirt, etc. Watch as they try to clear away the debris off their face that doesn't even exist. It is important to keep a straight face or the annoyee may be able to sniff your bluff; unless they really do have a booger in their nose, then they won't be able to smell anything at all, including your bluff.
Why It’s Annoying: People are terrified of people laughing at them. When they have something on their face, they freak out that the audience is chuckling about how much of a "gross slob" they are. You can perpetuate this feeling by implying there is something on their face, even though there isn't. Terror will strike the speaker with full force.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Handshake 'n lies
Title: Handshake 'n lies
Target Audience: Anybody you handshake with
Offensive Threat: Low
Scheme: Classic tactic. 'Nuff said. Okay, not entirely enough said, because you have zero idea what I am talking about. Over time, I have used a variety of handshakes to make people nervous, awkward, or uncomfortable. Some of them are as follows:
1) The dead fish- When shaking hands with someone, make your hand go completely limp. Extremely uncomfortable for the victim.
2) The blocker- When going to shake hands, use your middle finger as a blocker against their hand. Bend your middle finger forward, so that the tip is pointing directly at the palm of their hand. When you go in for the handshake, use your middle finger as a blocker for the rest of your hand. Aim for the center of their palm. This should create about 2 inches of space between your two hands.
3) The torpedo- Right before you are about to make contact with the other shaker, twist your wrist so your palm is facing away from their hand. You should now be in a position where the back of your right hand is pressed up against the palm of their right hand. Liken this to a torpedo, snaking through the water, making its move at the last possible second...
4) The wrist grab- Self-explanatory, just grab the persons wrist instead of their hand.
5) The duck and cover- When going in for the shake, at the last possible second, tuck your thumb right up against the left side of your index finger (stage left, not camera, that'd be uncomfortable). Since you cannot lock thumbs at this point you will slide right towards their wrist.
6) The NRA- When shaking the persons hand, use your left hand to grab their elbow. Pull their arm in and hold it like you are holding a rifle, such that your left hand you are using to aim and your right hand is on the trigger. Claim that you love the way a gun feels in your hands.
7) The rewind- Often times males will shake hands, and then wrap their hands around each others thumb. I know this sounds awkward and weird (like everything else in this blog) but if you grab a friend and try it you will understand exactly what I am talking about. Instead of doing this motion once like us Americans are accustomed to, do it multiple times. Go back and forth between the thumb grab and the traditional handshake. Gets pretty annoying if the person wants to let go.
8) The tickle- A similar technique to the blocker. When shaking hands, take your index finger and gently (and uncomfortably) scratch the palm of their hand.
9) The switch hitter- My personal favorite. When you both extend your right hands for the handshake, come across with your left and grab the backside of their right hand. Hold it there for a few seconds and walk away.
Why It’s Annoying: People find the handshake moves to be incredibly creepy. They are unsuspecting, and totally hit by suprise. Fortunately, with 9 different techniques, they may never know which one will hit them next. Can drive people nuts if used the correct times and places.
Target Audience: Anybody you handshake with
Offensive Threat: Low
Scheme: Classic tactic. 'Nuff said. Okay, not entirely enough said, because you have zero idea what I am talking about. Over time, I have used a variety of handshakes to make people nervous, awkward, or uncomfortable. Some of them are as follows:
1) The dead fish- When shaking hands with someone, make your hand go completely limp. Extremely uncomfortable for the victim.
2) The blocker- When going to shake hands, use your middle finger as a blocker against their hand. Bend your middle finger forward, so that the tip is pointing directly at the palm of their hand. When you go in for the handshake, use your middle finger as a blocker for the rest of your hand. Aim for the center of their palm. This should create about 2 inches of space between your two hands.
3) The torpedo- Right before you are about to make contact with the other shaker, twist your wrist so your palm is facing away from their hand. You should now be in a position where the back of your right hand is pressed up against the palm of their right hand. Liken this to a torpedo, snaking through the water, making its move at the last possible second...
4) The wrist grab- Self-explanatory, just grab the persons wrist instead of their hand.
5) The duck and cover- When going in for the shake, at the last possible second, tuck your thumb right up against the left side of your index finger (stage left, not camera, that'd be uncomfortable). Since you cannot lock thumbs at this point you will slide right towards their wrist.
6) The NRA- When shaking the persons hand, use your left hand to grab their elbow. Pull their arm in and hold it like you are holding a rifle, such that your left hand you are using to aim and your right hand is on the trigger. Claim that you love the way a gun feels in your hands.
7) The rewind- Often times males will shake hands, and then wrap their hands around each others thumb. I know this sounds awkward and weird (like everything else in this blog) but if you grab a friend and try it you will understand exactly what I am talking about. Instead of doing this motion once like us Americans are accustomed to, do it multiple times. Go back and forth between the thumb grab and the traditional handshake. Gets pretty annoying if the person wants to let go.
8) The tickle- A similar technique to the blocker. When shaking hands, take your index finger and gently (and uncomfortably) scratch the palm of their hand.
9) The switch hitter- My personal favorite. When you both extend your right hands for the handshake, come across with your left and grab the backside of their right hand. Hold it there for a few seconds and walk away.
Why It’s Annoying: People find the handshake moves to be incredibly creepy. They are unsuspecting, and totally hit by suprise. Fortunately, with 9 different techniques, they may never know which one will hit them next. Can drive people nuts if used the correct times and places.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Honk if you see me!
Title: Honk if you see me!
Target Audience: Your driver for the time being as well as an unsuspecting patron
Offensive Threat: medium-high
Scheme: I used this one last night, and it almost got me into trouble because we got stuck in the snow and it was pretty awkward. Anyway, this is an easy, low pressure shenanigan that anybody can pull. The only prerequisite to this prank is you need to be sitting shotgun. When your driver is chauffeuring you, all you need to do is honk their horn at people you see. In the past I have honked my friends horn (that's what she said) at students walking to class, joggers, and last night some irritated guy trying to shovel his car out of the snow. When you honk at these unsuspecting people, awkwardness is sure to ensue. I am still waiting for the day when the person being honked at comes up to the car asking what the driver needs, and the driver blames it on me. At that point I will call the driver a liar, and pin all the blame back on them, and watch as the awkwardness erupts.
Why It’s Annoying: For the person being honked at, it will be extremely uncomfortable for them, because they are unsure what they did to merit being called out by an automobile. The driver will be very uncomfortable too, because 'they' just honked at some innocent bystander for no good reason. Playing the blame game is key to a successful annoyance here.
Target Audience: Your driver for the time being as well as an unsuspecting patron
Offensive Threat: medium-high
Scheme: I used this one last night, and it almost got me into trouble because we got stuck in the snow and it was pretty awkward. Anyway, this is an easy, low pressure shenanigan that anybody can pull. The only prerequisite to this prank is you need to be sitting shotgun. When your driver is chauffeuring you, all you need to do is honk their horn at people you see. In the past I have honked my friends horn (that's what she said) at students walking to class, joggers, and last night some irritated guy trying to shovel his car out of the snow. When you honk at these unsuspecting people, awkwardness is sure to ensue. I am still waiting for the day when the person being honked at comes up to the car asking what the driver needs, and the driver blames it on me. At that point I will call the driver a liar, and pin all the blame back on them, and watch as the awkwardness erupts.
Why It’s Annoying: For the person being honked at, it will be extremely uncomfortable for them, because they are unsure what they did to merit being called out by an automobile. The driver will be very uncomfortable too, because 'they' just honked at some innocent bystander for no good reason. Playing the blame game is key to a successful annoyance here.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Free advertising
Free advertising: My good buddy over at http://www.lebrownstown.com/ is having this promotion thing going on. It is a collaboration with the single closed eye reptile, or Winking Lizard for short. For those of you who don't know, lebrownstown is this odd combination of sports, wings, and optimism. Check it out, especially tomorrow, Tuesday, February 16th for an article written by yours truly. It promises to be a good ol' fashion time.
P.S. I am expecting some sort of compensation LeBrownstown. $1 million dollars or free advertising for this blog will suffice. Your choice.
P.P.S. I don't really have anything left to say. I just never get the opportunity to use the P.P.S and wanted to do so. Now that I have your attention, I really just want to keep it. I am contemplating rambling on and on and on and on; but as mentioned before, I do not really have anything to say. Isn't it annoying when people just ramble on about nothing? Atleast in my ramblings there is some dramatic ending. The dramatic ending usually involves somebody screaming at me laced with profanities, but at least it is an ending. That is why I always wondered how Larry David from "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" fame never got beat up more. He gets himself into so much trouble, and yet he just gets yelled at by his friends and then everything is back to normal. Those TV people have it great. They can do whatever they want, and then get away with it. The only person who cannot seem to do that is Tiger Woods. I would love to start making Tiger jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse (or a live horse either for that matter). Where did that term come from, "beat a dead horse?" That is gross. I'm suprised PETA hasn't sued the creator of that term. Speaking of lawsuits, aren't lawyers the best punchline for a joke? How many jokes have you heard that have started, "So a lawyer walks into a a bar..." Not that many you say? Well, me neither. Unfortunately for you, this is my blog and I can claim whatever I damn well please to be true. Another thing that is true how annoying rambling about nothing is. Atleast I took it full-circle. I am awesome.
P.S. I am expecting some sort of compensation LeBrownstown. $1 million dollars or free advertising for this blog will suffice. Your choice.
P.P.S. I don't really have anything left to say. I just never get the opportunity to use the P.P.S and wanted to do so. Now that I have your attention, I really just want to keep it. I am contemplating rambling on and on and on and on; but as mentioned before, I do not really have anything to say. Isn't it annoying when people just ramble on about nothing? Atleast in my ramblings there is some dramatic ending. The dramatic ending usually involves somebody screaming at me laced with profanities, but at least it is an ending. That is why I always wondered how Larry David from "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" fame never got beat up more. He gets himself into so much trouble, and yet he just gets yelled at by his friends and then everything is back to normal. Those TV people have it great. They can do whatever they want, and then get away with it. The only person who cannot seem to do that is Tiger Woods. I would love to start making Tiger jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse (or a live horse either for that matter). Where did that term come from, "beat a dead horse?" That is gross. I'm suprised PETA hasn't sued the creator of that term. Speaking of lawsuits, aren't lawyers the best punchline for a joke? How many jokes have you heard that have started, "So a lawyer walks into a a bar..." Not that many you say? Well, me neither. Unfortunately for you, this is my blog and I can claim whatever I damn well please to be true. Another thing that is true how annoying rambling about nothing is. Atleast I took it full-circle. I am awesome.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I'm on theirs...
Title: I'm on theirs...
Target Audience: People you regularly dine with
Offensive Threat: medium
Scheme: This is a tactic I have used more over time and has become quite irritating for my dining buddies. Typically when dining with a large group, at some point the waiter will ask, "how will we be doing checks?" Usually, the diners will request that the bills be split up. This is usually a casual moment in the meal, with limited awkwardness... but not for long. When the waiter/waitress comes and asks that question, pick your victim, and tell the waiter, "I'm on theirs" when pointing to that person. This is where the fun part comes in. 1 of 4 things can happen at this point:
1) Nobody notices and you could potentially have a free meal (ultimate annoyance)
2) The person you just pawned your meal off on hears you and corrects you to the waiter (fairly annoying)
3) Someone else hears you and tells the waiter that you are a dirty liar (kind of annoying)
4) You chicken out and tell the waiter that you are just kidding and would like some club soda for your case of the wussies (slightly above not annoying)
No matter what happens however, it is sure to be a good time for all; and by all I mean you.
Why It’s Annoying: Nobody wants to be offered to pay for somebody else's meal. It is rude and inconsiderate. It can also be an embarassing moment for the annoyee, because they have to look like a jerk when they tell the waiter they are not paying for your meal. A safe and easy prank to pull off.
Target Audience: People you regularly dine with
Offensive Threat: medium
Scheme: This is a tactic I have used more over time and has become quite irritating for my dining buddies. Typically when dining with a large group, at some point the waiter will ask, "how will we be doing checks?" Usually, the diners will request that the bills be split up. This is usually a casual moment in the meal, with limited awkwardness... but not for long. When the waiter/waitress comes and asks that question, pick your victim, and tell the waiter, "I'm on theirs" when pointing to that person. This is where the fun part comes in. 1 of 4 things can happen at this point:
1) Nobody notices and you could potentially have a free meal (ultimate annoyance)
2) The person you just pawned your meal off on hears you and corrects you to the waiter (fairly annoying)
3) Someone else hears you and tells the waiter that you are a dirty liar (kind of annoying)
4) You chicken out and tell the waiter that you are just kidding and would like some club soda for your case of the wussies (slightly above not annoying)
No matter what happens however, it is sure to be a good time for all; and by all I mean you.
Why It’s Annoying: Nobody wants to be offered to pay for somebody else's meal. It is rude and inconsiderate. It can also be an embarassing moment for the annoyee, because they have to look like a jerk when they tell the waiter they are not paying for your meal. A safe and easy prank to pull off.
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Terrible Comedian
Title: The Terrible Comedian
Target Audience: Anybody you talk to regularly
Offensive Threat: low
Scheme: This is an annoyance I use on a very regular basis. The more regularity you do this, the more irritating and annoying it will get. The basis of this shenanigan is to tell a terrible joke... over and over again. I have told it a few times a week over the course of a few years; and it has now gotten to the point that whenever I say the first line, "So a duck walks into a bar," the crowd lets out a collective groan. Now, you are probably asking yourself, "A duck walks into a bar? How is that possible? A ducks average lifespan is 20 years and you need to be 21 to drink!" Well relax, I will tell you the story now.
So a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" And the bartender says, "No I don't" so the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes back and goes, "Hey barkeep! Got any gwapes?" To which the bartender, now visibly upset, replies, "No I don't! And if you come back again, I am going to staple your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes back and says to the bartender, "Got any staples?"
"No?" replies the bartender.
"Got any gwapes?"
That is the joke I use. You can adlib as necessary, and tailor the joke to your liking. For an additional annoyance do the following: After telling the joke, wait until your audience looks at you with a "what the heck is wrong with that guy?" look. Then be like, "okayyy, tough crowd, here is another one." Now tell a joke that is similar to the past one, but slightly different, as such...
So a frog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any owanges?" And the bartender says, "No I don't" so the frog leaves. Next day the frog comes back and goes, "Hey barkeep! Got any owanges?" To which the bartender replies, "No I don't! And if you come back again, I am going to super glue your feet to the floor!" So the frog leaves. Next day the frog comes back and says to the bartender, "Got any glue?"
"No?" replies the bartender.
"Got any owanges?."
Why It’s Annoying: Hearing the same joke over and over is sure to send a chill down the annoyee's spine. Eventually, they will grow so tired of hearing the same stupid joke and become incredible irritated. That is when you can hit them with the version 2.0 and really get them angry. This is a great technique to break up awkward situations.
Target Audience: Anybody you talk to regularly
Offensive Threat: low
Scheme: This is an annoyance I use on a very regular basis. The more regularity you do this, the more irritating and annoying it will get. The basis of this shenanigan is to tell a terrible joke... over and over again. I have told it a few times a week over the course of a few years; and it has now gotten to the point that whenever I say the first line, "So a duck walks into a bar," the crowd lets out a collective groan. Now, you are probably asking yourself, "A duck walks into a bar? How is that possible? A ducks average lifespan is 20 years and you need to be 21 to drink!" Well relax, I will tell you the story now.
So a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" And the bartender says, "No I don't" so the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes back and goes, "Hey barkeep! Got any gwapes?" To which the bartender, now visibly upset, replies, "No I don't! And if you come back again, I am going to staple your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes back and says to the bartender, "Got any staples?"
"No?" replies the bartender.
"Got any gwapes?"
That is the joke I use. You can adlib as necessary, and tailor the joke to your liking. For an additional annoyance do the following: After telling the joke, wait until your audience looks at you with a "what the heck is wrong with that guy?" look. Then be like, "okayyy, tough crowd, here is another one." Now tell a joke that is similar to the past one, but slightly different, as such...
So a frog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any owanges?" And the bartender says, "No I don't" so the frog leaves. Next day the frog comes back and goes, "Hey barkeep! Got any owanges?" To which the bartender replies, "No I don't! And if you come back again, I am going to super glue your feet to the floor!" So the frog leaves. Next day the frog comes back and says to the bartender, "Got any glue?"
"No?" replies the bartender.
"Got any owanges?."
Why It’s Annoying: Hearing the same joke over and over is sure to send a chill down the annoyee's spine. Eventually, they will grow so tired of hearing the same stupid joke and become incredible irritated. That is when you can hit them with the version 2.0 and really get them angry. This is a great technique to break up awkward situations.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Impressionism
Title: Impressionism
Target Audience: 2 unsuspecting people, that typically know each other; yet not well
Offensive Threat: high
Scheme: This shenanigan has merited a 'high' offensive threat because while the shenanigan may be harmless; someone could take something too personally and be really upset. As mentioned above, you need to have two people that have zero idea what is about to take place. This is a pretty easy one to pull off. What you want to do for this prank is convince one person that the other does an impression of them. Naturally, the other one doesn't. They will continue to deny they do any impressions; meanwhile the impressionee is waiting nervously to see it. Here is an example of how the conversation may go. For the sake of explanation, we will name our victims War Eidsick and Stan Dardidiot.
Annoyer: Hey Stan, do your impression of War!
Stan: I don't do an impression of War
War: (visibly uncomfortable) You do an impression of me?! I want to see it.
Annoyer: Yeah, cmon Stan just do it. It's not a big deal.
Stan: Stop saying I do an impression! It's just not true!
Annoyer: War, Stan does a great impression and is just embarassed. Cmooonn Stan, just do it.
Continue with this until it gets too uncomfortable; and then laugh and walk away.
Why It’s Annoying: Nobody ever wants to have an impression done of them (except Snooki from the Jersey Shore, seriously, I have seen her being parodied atleast 150 times on the internet or TV). Therefore, for the impressionee, they are extremely uncomfortable about what people may think of them; and incredibly nervous about what the impressioner may do. For the impressioner it is annoying because they are being made out to be a major league jerk, and are getting frustrated that the annoyer just won't stop. At this point you can see how mad somebody would get.
Target Audience: 2 unsuspecting people, that typically know each other; yet not well
Offensive Threat: high
Scheme: This shenanigan has merited a 'high' offensive threat because while the shenanigan may be harmless; someone could take something too personally and be really upset. As mentioned above, you need to have two people that have zero idea what is about to take place. This is a pretty easy one to pull off. What you want to do for this prank is convince one person that the other does an impression of them. Naturally, the other one doesn't. They will continue to deny they do any impressions; meanwhile the impressionee is waiting nervously to see it. Here is an example of how the conversation may go. For the sake of explanation, we will name our victims War Eidsick and Stan Dardidiot.
Annoyer: Hey Stan, do your impression of War!
Stan: I don't do an impression of War
War: (visibly uncomfortable) You do an impression of me?! I want to see it.
Annoyer: Yeah, cmon Stan just do it. It's not a big deal.
Stan: Stop saying I do an impression! It's just not true!
Annoyer: War, Stan does a great impression and is just embarassed. Cmooonn Stan, just do it.
Continue with this until it gets too uncomfortable; and then laugh and walk away.
Why It’s Annoying: Nobody ever wants to have an impression done of them (except Snooki from the Jersey Shore, seriously, I have seen her being parodied atleast 150 times on the internet or TV). Therefore, for the impressionee, they are extremely uncomfortable about what people may think of them; and incredibly nervous about what the impressioner may do. For the impressioner it is annoying because they are being made out to be a major league jerk, and are getting frustrated that the annoyer just won't stop. At this point you can see how mad somebody would get.
Lights, Camera, No action
Title: Lights, Camera, No action
Target Audience: Girls work best, but anybody that needs a picture taken
Offensive Threat: medium
Scheme: This one you need to be careful with, because if a riot ensues you will have somebodies highly guarded possession, in your possession (how's that for wordplay?). What you need to do is find a group of people about to take a picture. Usually people will try and take a picture of themselves, and end up getting a close up of their nostrils, or being something completely off-center; and then describe it as 'artistic.' Instead of letting them make a mockery of photography, offer to take the picture for them. They will most likely oblige, and now you have the rights to use their camera. Get them all situated so it will be a hallmark card type picture. Then start your typical picture countup (not down). 1,2,3 picture right? Wrong. Once you hit the 3, turn to your left or right, and take a picture of whoever is standing next to you. Some people will laugh, some may cry, however all will be annoyed. Once the emotion wears off, get everybody back together for real this time. Then take the picture for real, but take it on 2 instead of 3.
Why It’s Annoying: Picture taking is an art that takes time and patience. By pulling this shenanigan, you have effectively wasted 30 seconds of somebodies precious time. It is also difficult for people to "replicate that perfect smile they had the last time" and will make them inevitably annoyed because they don't look as beautiful as they did 30 seconds ago.
Target Audience: Girls work best, but anybody that needs a picture taken
Offensive Threat: medium
Scheme: This one you need to be careful with, because if a riot ensues you will have somebodies highly guarded possession, in your possession (how's that for wordplay?). What you need to do is find a group of people about to take a picture. Usually people will try and take a picture of themselves, and end up getting a close up of their nostrils, or being something completely off-center; and then describe it as 'artistic.' Instead of letting them make a mockery of photography, offer to take the picture for them. They will most likely oblige, and now you have the rights to use their camera. Get them all situated so it will be a hallmark card type picture. Then start your typical picture countup (not down). 1,2,3 picture right? Wrong. Once you hit the 3, turn to your left or right, and take a picture of whoever is standing next to you. Some people will laugh, some may cry, however all will be annoyed. Once the emotion wears off, get everybody back together for real this time. Then take the picture for real, but take it on 2 instead of 3.
Why It’s Annoying: Picture taking is an art that takes time and patience. By pulling this shenanigan, you have effectively wasted 30 seconds of somebodies precious time. It is also difficult for people to "replicate that perfect smile they had the last time" and will make them inevitably annoyed because they don't look as beautiful as they did 30 seconds ago.
Monday, January 25, 2010
What do you mean by?
Title: What do you mean by?
Target Audience: Anybody explaining something to you
Offensive Threat: Low-medium
Scheme: This is one I actually just started. I am digging this live blogging thing, and may try to do it more often. For this shenanigan, all you need to do is question what the simplest word in the persons sentence means. When they answer the question, do it again. Keep hammering down until they freak out. A sample conversation would go something like this.
Annoyee: Nice day today isn't it?
Annoyer: What do you mean by day?
Annoyee: Like, today, Tuesday. The weather is good.
Annoyer: What do you mean by good?
Annoyee: It's nice out. The sun is shining and it's warm!
Annoyer: What do you mean by warm?
Annoyee: I hate you so much @#$&*(!!!!!
Why It’s Annoying: When somebody is trying to speak, they do not enjoy their train of thought to be constantly interrupted. When you continue to question their intentions, this will drive them nuts. You can turn this into a game as well. Count how many lines you can hammer down until the person catches on, then gets noticeably frustrated, and then just says screw it and walks away. Make it your own personal challenge among your friends.
Target Audience: Anybody explaining something to you
Offensive Threat: Low-medium
Scheme: This is one I actually just started. I am digging this live blogging thing, and may try to do it more often. For this shenanigan, all you need to do is question what the simplest word in the persons sentence means. When they answer the question, do it again. Keep hammering down until they freak out. A sample conversation would go something like this.
Annoyee: Nice day today isn't it?
Annoyer: What do you mean by day?
Annoyee: Like, today, Tuesday. The weather is good.
Annoyer: What do you mean by good?
Annoyee: It's nice out. The sun is shining and it's warm!
Annoyer: What do you mean by warm?
Annoyee: I hate you so much @#$&*(!!!!!
Why It’s Annoying: When somebody is trying to speak, they do not enjoy their train of thought to be constantly interrupted. When you continue to question their intentions, this will drive them nuts. You can turn this into a game as well. Count how many lines you can hammer down until the person catches on, then gets noticeably frustrated, and then just says screw it and walks away. Make it your own personal challenge among your friends.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
He said, She said
Title: He said, She said
Target Audience: Broad range of people
Offensive Threat: Low
Scheme: This one may seem easy to the naked eye, but in reality it takes some practice. All you need to do is speak in third person. You may ask, "But Safe, that isn't that hard, why do you think I need practice?" The answer to that is, "because you never want to break character." When you start speaking in third person, the annoyee will immediately figure out that you are trying to irritate them. At this point, they will try to point out your mistakes and shortcomings. If you use the word 'I' you are setting yourself up to be criticized and have the tables turned on you. Therefore, you need to practice speaking in third person before you unleash this shenanigan on civilization. When you sing in the shower, substitute 'I' with your name in all the songs. Practice with your dog, cat, parrot, or any other assorted animals you may have wandering around your house/yard. When you can speak in third person fluently and effectively, you are ready to pull this prank.
Sidenote: Is 'I' really a word? Pretty sure it is just a letter. And if 'I' is a word, then why isn't 'a?' Those crazy people that invent words should really do some investigation into this.
Why It’s Annoying: To tell you the truth, I don't really have a good answer to this one. I use this fairly regularly, and it drives people nuts. Maybe it is because by speaking in third person, you are better than the conversation you are currently having. It could also have something to do with the fact that the annoyee is jealous of the self-discipline you show by speaking in third person without breaking character; thus, increasing their irritation.
Target Audience: Broad range of people
Offensive Threat: Low
Scheme: This one may seem easy to the naked eye, but in reality it takes some practice. All you need to do is speak in third person. You may ask, "But Safe, that isn't that hard, why do you think I need practice?" The answer to that is, "because you never want to break character." When you start speaking in third person, the annoyee will immediately figure out that you are trying to irritate them. At this point, they will try to point out your mistakes and shortcomings. If you use the word 'I' you are setting yourself up to be criticized and have the tables turned on you. Therefore, you need to practice speaking in third person before you unleash this shenanigan on civilization. When you sing in the shower, substitute 'I' with your name in all the songs. Practice with your dog, cat, parrot, or any other assorted animals you may have wandering around your house/yard. When you can speak in third person fluently and effectively, you are ready to pull this prank.
Sidenote: Is 'I' really a word? Pretty sure it is just a letter. And if 'I' is a word, then why isn't 'a?' Those crazy people that invent words should really do some investigation into this.
Why It’s Annoying: To tell you the truth, I don't really have a good answer to this one. I use this fairly regularly, and it drives people nuts. Maybe it is because by speaking in third person, you are better than the conversation you are currently having. It could also have something to do with the fact that the annoyee is jealous of the self-discipline you show by speaking in third person without breaking character; thus, increasing their irritation.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Party Avenue!
While I am a self-proclaimed comedic genius, I will admit that I do not work alone. I have been fortunate enough to have an (almost) equally hilarious group of friends that have had plenty of solid annoying tactics. The following post is written by the man, the myth, the legend, the Logan P.
Title: Party Avenue!
Target Audience: College kids
Offensive Threat: Medium to Medium High
Scheme: So you’re driving with a friend or 3 down a street/boulevard/residential neighborhood in a university-based community. You spot a small group of college students (3-5 people, ideally) and begin to slow your car. At this point, you get the attention of all your buddies, and make sure they know what’s about to go down. You pull over to the group, roll down the window, and politely say something along these lines: “Excuse me. Are you from around here?” They will inevitably say “yes,” to which you reply “I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to... (pause for dramatic effect) PARTY AVENUE?!?!?” At which point, you and all your buddies scream really loudly, stomp on the gas, and blast a loud-ass song that has been cued up in advance.* Make sure rearview mirrors are clean and properly angled in order to derive full satisfaction.
*Note: Song choice is extremely important. Any song that is loud, intense, and is great to speed down a street to will work fine. Prime examples include “Renegade” by Styx, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, any song by DMX.
Why It’s Annoying: Imagine you are minding your own business walking down the street with friends, attempting to do some stranger a favor, and end up being the butt of a swift joke instead. Yeah.
Title: Party Avenue!
Target Audience: College kids
Offensive Threat: Medium to Medium High
Scheme: So you’re driving with a friend or 3 down a street/boulevard/residential neighborhood in a university-based community. You spot a small group of college students (3-5 people, ideally) and begin to slow your car. At this point, you get the attention of all your buddies, and make sure they know what’s about to go down. You pull over to the group, roll down the window, and politely say something along these lines: “Excuse me. Are you from around here?” They will inevitably say “yes,” to which you reply “I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to... (pause for dramatic effect) PARTY AVENUE?!?!?” At which point, you and all your buddies scream really loudly, stomp on the gas, and blast a loud-ass song that has been cued up in advance.* Make sure rearview mirrors are clean and properly angled in order to derive full satisfaction.
*Note: Song choice is extremely important. Any song that is loud, intense, and is great to speed down a street to will work fine. Prime examples include “Renegade” by Styx, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, any song by DMX.
Why It’s Annoying: Imagine you are minding your own business walking down the street with friends, attempting to do some stranger a favor, and end up being the butt of a swift joke instead. Yeah.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Chin
Title: Chin
Target audience: Whoever you are involved in conversation with
Offensive threat: Medium
Scheme: This is a good one, not only because "chin" is incredibly annoying, but it serves a purpose as well. Originally, it was used to capture somebodiess attention; over time however, it has been used as a technique to pacify someone who is quite heated (most likely because you have been annoying them). To effectively execute chin, you need the conversation to be at a particular point. Maybe the person you are speaking with is disinterested in what you are saying. That would be a good time to use chin. Maybe somebody is yelling at you, and you've realized you have lost the battle. That would be a good time to use chin. Maybe you are being mugged (which would mostly like mean the person you are talking to is disinterested in what you are saying as well as quite heated). That would NOT be a good time to use chin. Now that the tone is set, here is what you do. Cup your hand, and turn your palm so it is face up. Look at the person, put your hand towards their face, and gently ask, "chin?" Give them a little bit of the puppy dog eyes, to show that you really mean it. Keep your hand there until they calmly rest their chin in the palm of your hand. If they are reluctant to do so (common for a first time annoyee) shake your hand a little bit to impose your will and show them that you are waiting. When they finally agree, you have 2 options depending on your original intent. If you are trying to keep their attention; hold it until you are done with what you want to say. If you are trying to pacify them; wait until they calm down. If you are just trying to annoy them; wait as long as you'd like.
Why it's annoying: For starters, chin is incredibly uncomfortable. Other than strippers, most people don't like others grabbing at their faces. It is also incredibly irritating to the person if you interrupt their ranting and raving with an inquiry for their chin. Satisfaction 100% guaranteed.
Target audience: Whoever you are involved in conversation with
Offensive threat: Medium
Scheme: This is a good one, not only because "chin" is incredibly annoying, but it serves a purpose as well. Originally, it was used to capture somebodiess attention; over time however, it has been used as a technique to pacify someone who is quite heated (most likely because you have been annoying them). To effectively execute chin, you need the conversation to be at a particular point. Maybe the person you are speaking with is disinterested in what you are saying. That would be a good time to use chin. Maybe somebody is yelling at you, and you've realized you have lost the battle. That would be a good time to use chin. Maybe you are being mugged (which would mostly like mean the person you are talking to is disinterested in what you are saying as well as quite heated). That would NOT be a good time to use chin. Now that the tone is set, here is what you do. Cup your hand, and turn your palm so it is face up. Look at the person, put your hand towards their face, and gently ask, "chin?" Give them a little bit of the puppy dog eyes, to show that you really mean it. Keep your hand there until they calmly rest their chin in the palm of your hand. If they are reluctant to do so (common for a first time annoyee) shake your hand a little bit to impose your will and show them that you are waiting. When they finally agree, you have 2 options depending on your original intent. If you are trying to keep their attention; hold it until you are done with what you want to say. If you are trying to pacify them; wait until they calm down. If you are just trying to annoy them; wait as long as you'd like.
Why it's annoying: For starters, chin is incredibly uncomfortable. Other than strippers, most people don't like others grabbing at their faces. It is also incredibly irritating to the person if you interrupt their ranting and raving with an inquiry for their chin. Satisfaction 100% guaranteed.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Whats New York?
Title: Whats New York?
Target audience: Any New Yorker
Offensive threat: Medium-high
Scheme: Let me preface this post by saying I love New York. It is one of the greatest cities in the world and if you have never been there I highly suggest you go ASAP. With that being said, it is toooonnnnsss of fun to make fun of the city and its inhabitants. This shenanigan will take place upon first meeting someone, so you will have to be on your toes (not literally, so don't worry if you have bad foot strength). Anyway, when you first meet someone one of the first questions during the conversation is always, "so where you from?" When you ask your potential annoyee the said question, and they answer "New York" this is where you strike. After their answer, simply look confused and say, "New York? Where is that? Is that in Canada?" This question will enrage the New Yorker. They will probably flip out on you, call you a redneck, and show visible frustration. Mission accomplished.
*Note- This prank will NOT work if you are from New York or in New York.
Why it's annoying: New Yorkers are among the most high strung people on earth, so not acknowledging where they are from is incredibly irritating to them. They also like to think that this country is New York, and then everything else; so they will be shocked by your ignorance. They will also be upset because they love comments like, "Oh, that's so cool you from New York! What a fun city." Let them get all worked up, and then laugh and walk away.
Target audience: Any New Yorker
Offensive threat: Medium-high
Scheme: Let me preface this post by saying I love New York. It is one of the greatest cities in the world and if you have never been there I highly suggest you go ASAP. With that being said, it is toooonnnnsss of fun to make fun of the city and its inhabitants. This shenanigan will take place upon first meeting someone, so you will have to be on your toes (not literally, so don't worry if you have bad foot strength). Anyway, when you first meet someone one of the first questions during the conversation is always, "so where you from?" When you ask your potential annoyee the said question, and they answer "New York" this is where you strike. After their answer, simply look confused and say, "New York? Where is that? Is that in Canada?" This question will enrage the New Yorker. They will probably flip out on you, call you a redneck, and show visible frustration. Mission accomplished.
*Note- This prank will NOT work if you are from New York or in New York.
Why it's annoying: New Yorkers are among the most high strung people on earth, so not acknowledging where they are from is incredibly irritating to them. They also like to think that this country is New York, and then everything else; so they will be shocked by your ignorance. They will also be upset because they love comments like, "Oh, that's so cool you from New York! What a fun city." Let them get all worked up, and then laugh and walk away.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Welp, Smell Ya Later!
Title: Welp, Smell Ya Later!
Target audience: Strangers
Offensive threat: Medium
Scheme: This was a shenanigan my buddies and I used in high school all the time. You need to be in a setting with a large group of people. Typically bars, sporting events, schools, riots, and peace gatherings are good places to start. The first thing you need to do is find an unsuspecting, innocent looking stranger. When your target has been locked, walk up to them and make eye contact. Make sure your eye contact screams, "something awkward is about to happen to you." Once the annoyee knows its coming. Go in and sniff 'em. There are 2 ways to do this. Option 1 is that you almost rest your nose on their shoulder. Subtly sniff, loud enough for them to hear, but not too loud so it sounds like you're snorting. Follow them (with your nose still sniffing their shoulder) if they try to walk away. If they freak out and look at you, look them back in the eye, shrug and walk away. Option 2 is what I call the "cross sniff." A diagram below is an illustration of the target sniffing areas. This is a little bit more aggressive move, but is also shorter. What you want to do on this one, is sniff near their chest, and aggresively move your head (while continuing to sniff) up towards their shoulder. Like option 1, give them awkward eye contact and shrug and walk away when your done.
Why it's annoying: Being the smelly guy/girl is one of peoples biggest fears. It is up there with dying and public speaking (reference needed). By giving a random person the ol' sniffaroo, you evoke some of their greatest fears and insecurities. It will also cause confusion and pandemonium internally among the annoyee, which makes it even worse for them. A classic shenanigan.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Follow 'em around
Title: Follow 'em around
Target audience: Friends, lovers, or roommates
Offensive threat: Low
Scheme: Okay, So I kind of stole this from a show. What you do is literally follow the person around from room to room. Remain (literally) a step behind them. When they get mad at you for being all up in their business, give them the guilt trip. I usually go with "I Just want to be with you." See how long you can go until they physically shove you away. Bonus points if you follow them into the bathroom.
Why it's annoying: Would you want a second shadow? No, I didn't think so. Constantly being in someones "my zone" when they are trying to do their daily activities would be incredibly irritating for the annoyee. Then, when they yell at you, you drop the guilt trip. Now they feel guilty for yelling at you, thus doubling their annoyance.
Target audience: Friends, lovers, or roommates
Offensive threat: Low
Scheme: Okay, So I kind of stole this from a show. What you do is literally follow the person around from room to room. Remain (literally) a step behind them. When they get mad at you for being all up in their business, give them the guilt trip. I usually go with "I Just want to be with you." See how long you can go until they physically shove you away. Bonus points if you follow them into the bathroom.
Why it's annoying: Would you want a second shadow? No, I didn't think so. Constantly being in someones "my zone" when they are trying to do their daily activities would be incredibly irritating for the annoyee. Then, when they yell at you, you drop the guilt trip. Now they feel guilty for yelling at you, thus doubling their annoyance.
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog, "A Guide to Being Annoying." This blog is an idea from a friend, who thought I should publish my annoying antics. Let me give you a rundown of the format of each entry
Title: Basic Summary of the anoying antic
Target Audience: The person(s) you are trying to annoy. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. could be included here
Offensive threat: The purpose of this blog is to discuss silly ways to annoy people. We never want to offend, upset, or threaten anyone.
Scheme: The basic plan for pulling off the antic.
Why its annoying: This will outline the psychology of the annoyee. Why does this bother them? Consider this blog to be a scientific study.
My first post will be out in the next few days!
Title: Basic Summary of the anoying antic
Target Audience: The person(s) you are trying to annoy. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. could be included here
Offensive threat: The purpose of this blog is to discuss silly ways to annoy people. We never want to offend, upset, or threaten anyone.
Scheme: The basic plan for pulling off the antic.
Why its annoying: This will outline the psychology of the annoyee. Why does this bother them? Consider this blog to be a scientific study.
My first post will be out in the next few days!
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